Um, well..... I'm pregnant guys! Ha! Was NOT planned. But I'm def keeping it. It's by a black guy. I don't think my family's too impressed with the idea that I'm pregnant, let alone that I'm pregnant by a black guy. My mom even tried to talk to me about abortion and adoption. I don't believe in abortion, so it was outta the question. And I won't put a child of mine up for adoption. I just don't feel it's right. I told her how she expected me to just walk up and tell him I'm either gonna kill his baby or give it away. So then she tries to tell me to just give the baby to him. Telling me I have no idea what I'm getting myself into having a mixed baby. I told her I didn't care what the color of the baby was, or what's to come, I'm gonna love my baby. She tried telling me that I shouldn't have a baby right now. It's not the right time. I said but it was the right time 15?! You didn't push for an abortion or adoption then. You gave me the option then. Said it was my choice. What's so bad about it now? I have my own shit now. She tried. but to no avail. I will NOT get rid of any child I carry.

I asked Hannah what her thoughts on the baby being mixed was, she said, "NOTHING! It's gonna be part of the family! I'm gonna love it!" The only one with any damn sense is my 8 yr old daughter!

He's not one of those ghetto gangster types that just runs around screwing everything he lays eyes on and leave me hanging with a baby. He'll take care of it. His name is Mike. He's 20. I'm scared as hell tho. It's a baby! But I dooo hafto go and get hannah from school now and I'm takin my mom to Wal-Mart. Toodles. I'll try to get on more and give more info and whatnot. :p
Rose - But you feel alive

Happy New Year EVERYBODY!!!

Happy New Years everyone! Sry, I know I haven't been on here in MONTHS! I don't have a computer or cable/internet at my apt, and my mom doesn't like me going on here on here computer cuz it fucks it up apparently. :/

I'm still constantly thinking about Nicole, and we don't talk much anymore. She's got herself a new gf and are in love I guess. Even though she's only known her since after Halloween. Yes, I suppose I'm jealous, but most of all, I'm just irritated that she doesn't talk to me anymore. I just wish she'd be my friend again. I don't even feel like she wants to anymore. Idk.

I just wanted to say Happy New Years though. I hope everyone has a good one!! :D
Rose - But you feel alive

I can't pretend that I don't see this...

My life is fucked now. Over. I no longer am alive inside. I have no compassion anymore. I can't feel anything. I'm emotionally numb. She cheated on me twice w Ashley. She let Ash touch her twice. I plan on staying fucked up for a while. I've never loved somebody so much in my life. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I knew better. Everytime I give somebody te benefit, I fuck myself. I'm stupid. I said it on so many occasions. I called it. Everything.... EVERYTHING. She kissed Ash on her bday too cuz she was pissed at me cuz I cut myself. I'll never trust another person in my life. I'm empty. I'm dead. I'm gone. I no longer feel anything. I'm numb. There's nothing left in me. I have nomore compassion. I'm going to bed now. I can't keep my eyes open. Btw, I moved into my apartment. Yay... And happy jen. Hope u have lotso fun.
Rose - But you feel alive

I saw forever in my never

So, me and nicole broke up. We're still friends, and it's fucking hard and heartbreaking. But I feel so much lighter being her friend. There's not so much worry and i'm not so bothered by things. I mean, I still am, just not as much. Ya know? Well, that's all I gotta say I spose. Oh, and I almost cheated on her w will the night before we broke up. I ended up walking outta the room before it happened. And I told her the very next day. That's not rly why we broke up, tho i'm sure it had a part in it. But we more or less wanted to take a break anyways before we ended up hatin each other, because I'd end up hating myself for it. Anyways, that's all for now. Toodles.
Rose - But you feel alive

I am fucking outta here!!!

So, I'm finally moving out. I found a nice lil 1 bdrm apt. The bdrm's big enough for and hannah both to have our beds and dressers. Plus, there's 2 closets. $515 all utilities included. I got on welfare, have food stamps and medical for us. I'm getting my shit together guys. My electric here at the house has been off for like 2 or 3 wks. Water's been off for even longer. I won't have to worry about who's paying what, and who's NOT paying what, cuz MY shit's gonna get paid. I'm so excited to get outta all this bullshit! You have NO idea. My mom's moving in with Tracy, and Erica and Steve have to find their own place. FINALLY!! Steve's 31 I think and Erica's 28. They shoulda been out a looong time ago. Instead of living off of everybody else. 'Cause all this bullshit of utilities getting shut off wouldn't have happened had they been paying all along. Erica's FINALLY trying to find a job. And of course she's pissed because Steve called off two days 'cause, I will finish this post later. I'm sleepy.
Rose - But you feel alive

(no subject)

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their journal and replace any question that they dislike with a new, original question.
B) Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.

1. Make a list of 5 things you can see without getting up:

*pop bottle
*cell phone

2. How do you style your hair?
Pulled back. Almost all of the time.

3. What are you wearing now?
Pj pants, and a red tank

4. What's your occupation?
Press operator at a plastics plant. :-/

5. What do you hear right now?

6. Who was the last person you hugged?

My daughter

7. What was/is for dinner?
Idk yet.

8. Chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla ice cream (or other)?
Strawberry, usually.

9. When did you last see your sibling(s)?
Oldest sister, yesterday, right before work. Older sister, like 20 mins ago.

10. What websites do you always visit when you go online? 

Yahoo, Facebook, LJ, Youtube.

11. What was the last thing you bought?
Choc milk

12. Do you think your name suits you?
Mine means annointed by Christ... Idk if I would say all that, but I spose itsk.

13. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
In my own apartment at least. And hopefully with a better job.

14. Where's your birthmark?
I have 4. One is on my nose. I have one on my back/side, hip, and somewhere else. Lol. I always forget. ;/

15. How easily do you cry, and about what (apart from obviously traumatic things like losing someone you’re close to)?
Pretty easily anymore. :/ A lot of things

16. If you could play any musical instrument, which one would you play?
Piano. Or violin.

17. How are you?


18. How much do you get paid?

$500 biweekly

19. What's the last thing you have regretted?
Cutting myself

20. What's the last good movie you saw?

The Adjustment Bureau.

Rose - But you feel alive

(no subject)

Idenitcal by Ellen Hopkins: This book is truly amazing. Written in free-verse, it's about identical twins, Kaeleigh and Raeanne, that have some major family issues. After their father, a judge addicted to Oxycotin and alcohol, causes an accident, their mother, a campaigning politician, becomes very distant, which results in Kaeleigh being molested at the age of 8.

POV switches back and forth between the two, and how all of this effects both of them. Raeanne feels daddy's giving Kaeleigh all his love and attention and acts out by having sex and doing drugs, while Kaeleigh fights with feeling uncapable of loving the one person she ever wanted to.

They're complete opposites. Raeanne being cold, aggressive, in-control, having sex, doing drugs, and purges. Kaeleigh being sweet, passive, submissive, scared of sex, and binges.

It's a great book. And I hope you all read it. :D

So I told Hannah

 A lot of people are a bit pissed, but I told Hannah about Nicole and I the other day. I never wanted to hide it from her in the first place. 

She told us that she's uncomfortable with it and wants us to break up. I told her I'm not breaking up with her just because she's uncomfortable with it. I will still keep what I do in front of her to a minimal.

And my whole thing for not telling her before was I wasn't ready to answer the questions if she had any. I am now.

And it kinda pissed ME off, because they all told me in the beginning whenever I was ready to tell her and answer her questions, they'd have no problem with it. I think they may have thought it would take me a little longer than it did. Or that I'd wait longer to tell her, but we've been together for 6 months and I don't particularly see us breaking up anytime soon.

I know I went off and vented about that shit with her the other day, but I honestly don't think she's cheating on me or anything. I really do trust her. More so than I trust anyone else. I've explained to her I have trust issues. Growing up in the family I have, I think anybody would have trust issues. And after what my ex and ex best friend did to me, it put into perspective how you just really can't trust ANYbody in life. So I just keep my eyes and ears open and pay attention more to details.

I freakout easily too. I can be an emotional wreck sometimes. I can be hard to handle if I lose my focus. Shit, I'm hard to handle even when on focus. Lol. But for the past few weeks, I've just been LOST. I mean, it's hard to explain, but I even FELT lost. I cried everyday for like 2 weeks. I was so gone from stress and just little nonsensical(sp?) bullshit that I totally lost myself.

I apologized to Nicole for freaking out so hard on her with everything and that I was lost for a minute. She said I even looked lost. I had people from work, who've only worked there like a couple weeks telling me I seemed off and not myself. That's how far gone I was.

I got some good advice from a guy friend who, I guess put more into perspective for me. Considering Nic thinks more like a guy than a girl, and no matter what girl I go to for advice on shit, I won't get Nic's POV from a girl. They'd have my POV. Be on my side for it all, because let's face it... Most girls think alike for the most part when it comes to shit like that. So, to have it from another guy's POV, it helped me think a little more like Nic.


She's a very shelled up person, which is why I freak out so easily with her. She says what's necessary and that's it. It's the way she was brought up. And I don't necessarily find that to be a BAD thing, but when you have someone as open and honest as me? I mean, I tell her everything that could even possibly get my in trouble. 'Cause the way I look at it, I don't wanna be the last to know something about my gf like that. You know? And I suspect she doesn't wanna be that last person with me either.

And I believe in being fair. Half and half. Split everything down the middle. I don't like taking more than what I feel I deserve. I will give all I can, but she's not one to take either. So, sometimes we bumps heads.

Like we're polar opposties. I freakout a lot. Her? Rarely ever. I'm hyper, impulsive, irresponsible, childish, open. She's calm, rational, routine, responsible, and closed. Idk if that's a good or a bad thing yet, being so opposite. I mean, it even goes for our moods. I'll be happy and bouncy, she'll be in a pissy or irritated mood. And vice versa.

Idk. But I've said what I wanted to. I hope you all have a good day. I'm gonna go read my book. :D

let it be

Ugh.. :/

First things first.... I put my application in at West. I need a new job, like STAT. This one just doesn't pay enough.

I want to move out. BAADDD. I've been saying this for how long, and still haven't done it. I feel like a failure. I'm trying to work on getting things setup so I can.

I've got a checking AND savings account... Nobody knows about the Savings account. I don't want anybody knowing about it. I'm trying to save up money to move, and if they know I have money, they'll find someway to weasel it outta me. :-/ I have 25 from every check I get going into that account.

I HATE living here. I can't have any fucking privacy whatsoever. If I ask one question, I get like 25 back for WHY I asked that question. It's ridiculous.

 My mom said if I try to move out with Hannah that she's gonna try an stop me. I said go ahead, you're not her mom. The only reason she wants to stay is so I can fucking pay the bills. I'm sick of doing this shit. I want my own place. If I can't make it on my own, I'll find someone to live with. I DO NOT want to live with my family anymore. I can't live with Diana. I don't trust her. And as long as she's with Tyler, it ain't fucking happening. I don't trust that little mother fucker more than Diana.

Trisha would be alright to live with, but I don't think she'd want to live with me. Lol. Besides she does a lot of shit I don't want Hannah around. I know Erica and Steve sell and whatnot, but it's weed. Trisha's not just on that shit. Ya know?

I'd move in with Nicole, but we've only been together for 6 months on the 22nd of this month. That just seems a little too soon.

Idk. So I'm just gonna try and make it on my own for a while. If it doesn't work, I'll figure something out. :/

That's basically all I have to say right now. I'm so over fighting about shit with people and tweaking out. I DON'T wanna tweak about shit anymore. I hate getting this nervous/anxious/scared or jealous even. But I'm so over it. I'm just gonna try and keep my cool about shit from now on. Even if it means I cry alone at night. :/